The Left Lane

Stay out of the left lane. I mean it.

If you're reading this and saying to yourself, "gosh, I have a right to be in the left lane like everybody else!", then you need start taking the bus.

Here's a simple rule:

If you're driving in the left lane and you're not going faster than the people in the lane immediately to your right, you need to get out of the left lane.

Here's another one:

If there's someone behind you, and you're in the left lane, and they're tailgating you while making gestures and possibly waving a gun around, you need to get out of the left lane.

Why is this so hard to understand? There are even signs to this effect all over America's highways:

"Slow Traffic Keep Right",
"Faster Vehicles Use Left Lane",
"Self Centered Fascist Idiot Slow Drivers On The Phone In the Left Lane DIE".

You know it's you. And don't try to pawn it off on the unlicensed drivers. Somebody said that to me once. "It's those unlicensed drivers in the left lane holding everything up!" Well, it's not. It's you.

Here's my reasoning...

A recent study found that across the USA, the range of unlicensed drivers on the road ranges somewhere between 6% - 23%, depending on what state you live in. (don't ask for a citation, just go google "percentage of unlicensed drivers" yourself, chucklehead) In my state it runs somewhere around 10%. Even if I assume that 100% of the unlicensed drivers on the roads in my state are illiterate, not receiving the training provided by the booklet they want you to read at the DMV before you take your driver's test, and therefore couldn't read the "Slower Traffic Keep Right" admonition, then how come 85% of the drivers on the road manage to find their way in front of me in the left lane going 5 MPH below the speed limit?? They're usually on the phone, too. The best part about these retards is the finger you get from them when you get to pass them on the right just after they finish telling their mom about this asshole on their bumper and why can't people just get along.

The conclusion is simple. It's you. You're in the left lane going slower than a flotilla of dead squirrels drifting across a city water reclamation pool. From the perspective of the people behind you the squirrels have more of a right to exist than you do. If the collective Hate Energy of those trapped in the left lane behind you could be harnessed, America's dependence on foreign oil would be over in about a nanosecond. You can drive just as slowly in the right lane. Or on your couch. Either way you'll be able to console yourself with the fact that you've probably lowered the blood pressure of about six thousand people a day, improving the overall health of the general driving population.

Oh, and then there's the Truckers. Being raised on five teeth and a banjo seems to preselect an individual to a long career of caffeine and hemorrhoids. I get the fact that truckers have a job to do, but in no way does this give them the right to form a crawling roadblock 5 trucks wide going up a mountain pass. At what point is it OK to think that going 32 MPH gives you the right to hold up the entire driving world so that you can go around the tanker in front of you that's going 31 MPH? This will never seem reasonable to the other people on the road no matter how many Kurt Russel movies you've seen. Do us all a favor and put your next load on a train and go to night school. Who knows, maybe you'll invent the flying car, and that'll for sure open the left lane....