Candy Canes.
Today, I conducted an experiment. I thought maybe it was time to try eating one of those damned things. I have been avoiding them since I was a kid. One year, I tried to eat one and got stuck to the cat for the duration of the Christmas Holidays. My parents are still laughing.
As a result, I figured out why everybody hangs candy canes on their Christmas trees instead of eating them, which I thought was the idea.
Wrong.
Basically you can't eat the XXXing things. You start at the skinny end and it sharpens to a point that WILL drive itself through the back of your head the moment you pass out from diabetic shock after absorbing all that sugar and peppermint. If that doesn't happen, you get to the hooked end that basically just takes your drool and does a 180 with it back onto your chin. In order to handle the bastard, you get a sticky, minty, pink coating all over your fingers that magically transfers itself to every article of clothing and every object within five feet of you. You might think you're being smart, and leave some of the wrapper on there, but NO, the wrapper just stores the tacky drool in sufficient quantity to guarantee a major drool cluster forms as soon as you remove it all the way.Finally, you're left with only the hook in your mouth, which prevents you from speaking or containing drool from running down your chin, threatening to glue your chin to your neck. The alternative is to just leave the stupid things on the tree year after year in order to temp your kids into the folly of actually trying to eat one. Either way, I think Candy Canes should be banned or officially replaced with painted plastic hooks. In the meantime, I'll be trying to get my chin unstuck from my neck.
Merry Christmas.
