Starbucks

Yeah, ok, been away awhile. Nobody's reading anyway.

Fine.

So, it looks like Starbucks has saturated. Shame, really. I'm good with the Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks. I go the store. I get a coffee. I come home. I get a coffee. I don't have to make a left turn. Cool.

People think that you should have to work harder for your coffee. I'm not in agreement. I'm not saying that we need more Starbucks. We need less customers.

The problem is basically this:

The line at the Starbucks counter is not the place or the time to impose your personal re-affirmation techniques. I understand that you think you have rights and you think that it's ok to hold up the 15 or 20 raging caffine junkies in line behind you, with more being added at a rate of 5 to 10 per second, and who, in all likelyhood, would press a button, if it were available, dumping you into a mixture of battery acid and angry pirrahnas without a nanosecond's moment of remorse, just to get you the hell out of the way so that they can get to their Joe. The Starbucks line, especially in the morning, is no place for ammetuers. You don't wait until you get to the counter to figure out what you want to order. If you don't know what you want by the time you get to the Starbucks, go to Peaberry's and practice. Here's how it works: Get in line, order, pay -> WITH CASH OR A GIFT CARD, and get the hell out of the way! DO NOT:

1) Argue over the price.
It's the price. You pay it. They give you the coffee. Then, the guy behind you gets to order. The guy at the cash register is a pro, or he'd be working at the Walmart. Starbucks HAS benefits. That's why they have good people at the cash register who know what the price is. Douche bag.

2) Talk to the coffee person.
They don't want to talk to you. They have to say "Hello, how are you doing?" It's part of their job. They secretly hate you and that's the truth. If you order, hit them with a false smile, get your drink and get out of the way, you might earn grudging respect from the people behind you. The coffee person is just the delivery agent, man. Don't pretend they're your friends. We all know better.

3) Pick out anything else to buy.
You're just buying the swag to try to impress everybody behind you in line, or the coffee person. We know you can't afford it, and that coffee cup you're buying that comes with the Dave Matthews stamp of Eco approval doesn't really save the environment either.

4) Pay with a check(!)
God, if you have to be told, you need to go play in traffic. We all know that sucker's gonna bounce anyway. Check writers at Starbucks are usually floating a couple of house payments. If you need to write a check for a cup of coffee, instead consider switching to Tea, the kind you make yourself, and will be forced to drink at the shelter once all that debt comes crashing down.

5) Discuss your order.
Don't. Just don't. They're not interested. We're not interested. It's a drink. If you want the coffee person's phone number, ask for their phone number. Discussing your order makes you look like a stalker, which you probably are.

6) Change your order.
If you didn't want the double half-caff retardo-latte with Cinnamon sprinkles, deal with it. You ordered it. Something in you really wanted it. You're denying your inner self. Changing your order holds up the line and might get your car keyed. Those door dings are NOT accidental.

7) Read the menu at the counter.
For God's sake, if you're reading the menu when you get to the counter, everybody behind you wants you to die. We're not fooling around here. We can see what some of you human pustules are thinking when you get up there. "I have a right to be here and talk to the coffee person and discuss what I think I'm going to order and I have a right to question every detail and the numbers come up so fast and the coffee's really expensive here, do you really think it should cost that much? And, did I order one Latte or two, and is it OK if I write a check?" FAH!

Remember, we have a legal addiction. Sometimes that gets you off the hook for antisocial behavior....

Amen.